By Jv Ramos

Even before the worldwide pandemic, the thought of not being able to dance ballet anymore was something that Jessa Balote feared. In 2018, this ballerina thought that she had already seen the last of her days in pointe shoes as motherhood brought about many changes to her body.

“Lumaki ako, ‘di na ako flexible, at naiba na ang posture ko, kaya akala ko na hinding-hindi na ako makakabalik,” candidly shares the Ballet Manila company artist.  “Nabigyan lang ako ng pag-asa nang sinabi sa akin ni Ma’am Lise [artistic director Lisa Macuja-Elizalde], ‘Jessa, kahit anong araw na ready ka nang bumalik sa ballet, tatanggapin kita!’” (I gained weight, lost my flexibility, and my posture changed, so I really thought that it was impossible for me to do ballet again. I was only given hope when Ma’am Lise said, ‘Jessa, anytime you’re ready to dance again, I’ll take you in!’)

“Nang sinabi niya iyon, nagulat talaga ako na may chance pa pala ako makabalik sa ballet (When she said that, I was really shocked that I still had a chance to dance after all),” notes Jessa. She didn’t let the disbelief linger for long. Instead, she decided to make the most out of her second chance at being a professional ballet dancer, and show up at the studio as soon as she felt strong enough.

“Hindi kasi nawala ang pagmamahal ko sa sayaw. Kaya nang nasabihan ako ni Ma’am Lise, doon ko sinabi sa sarili ko na itutuloy ko ang nasimulan ko!” (My love for dance never left me. So when Ma’am Lise told me that she’d still take me in, I told myself that I’d work hard to continue what I started.)

Jessa’s return to the studio five months after giving birth to her son Prince Jade wasn’t easy. Every movement emphasized how much her body had changed. “Kinailangan kong i-process ang mga pagbabago,” she points out. (I had to process all the changes in my body.)  She adds that to be able to get her strength back as a dancer, she really had to do more workouts and consistently join company classes, even if this meant not being able to dance yet in season performances.

“Nahirapan ako, pero nagulat din ako sa katawan ko. Ang bilis ko nabalik ang dating katawan ko.” More importantly, being a mother made her stronger. “Naging doble ang kalakasan ko sa sarili ko. Dahil nanay ako, nawala sa akin ang pagiging mahiyain o takot.” (Getting back into shape was difficult. But I also got shocked with how my body responded. I was able to regain my former physique quickly. I also became braver. Because I’m a mother, I didn’t feel shy or afraid anymore.) 

Thus in less than a year, Jessa was back dancing in front of an audience – something that she has always loved about ballet.

A former Project Ballet Futures scholar of Ballet Manila, Jessa always loved dancing as a child, but she only entered the field of classical ballet at the age of 10. When she began her training, she didn’t expect herself to be immersed in the art form for a long time. “Mahiyain kasi akong bata, at masunurin lang ako sa mga klase.” (I was a shy kid and I was just obedient in ballet classes.)

Little did she know that it was her willingness to learn and work hard to achieve the standard her teachers set that would turn her into a professional ballerina. “Nakita ko lang na kaya ko pala maging isang propesyonal na ballerina nang nagsimula na silang mag-assign sa akin ng mga roles. Ibig sabihin kasi nu’n ay may tiwala sila sa iyo, na nakikita nila na kaya mong gawin. Kapag nangyayari iyon, minamahal ko at ninirerespeto talaga ang bawat role. Gusto ko talaga maibigay ang best ko kapag na-perform ko ito.” (The possibility of becoming a professional ballerina only became evident when they started assigning roles to me That told me that they trusted me, and that they could see something special in me. So whenever that would happen, I would really cherish and respect every role given to me. I would really make sure that I would give it my best shot.)

Fast forward to the year 2020. Just when this ballerina thought that everything was finally falling back into place – she had just been part of Ballet Manila’s twin bill production of Rudy de Dios’ Carmina Burana and Lisa Macuja-Elizalde’s La Traviata, and was already busy preparing for the nationwide tour of Gerardo Francisco’s Ibong Adarna – the lockdown to control the spread of COVID-19 was imposed, putting a stop to all performing arts activities.

“Nang lumipas pa lang ang isang linggo, natakot na agad ako,” expresses Jessa, who was familiar with how much one’s body can change without the demanding schedule of ballet. “Natakot ako na baka lumaki ulit ang katawan ko dahil nahinto ulit ang pagsayaw ko. Natakot din ako na baka mawala lang ang pinaghirapan ko.” (Even if only one week had passed, I already feared for my future… I was afraid that I’d gain weight again because we weren’t dancing again. I was also afraid that everything I worked hard for to come back would be wasted.)

What made matters worse was, she was far from her son. Before the pandemic, Jessa had been renting a space in Makati to be closer to the studio in Pasay, while most of her family relocated to Cavite. Pandemic restrictions also put a halt to regular transport, thus limiting her mobility. “Nagkasama lang kami ng anak ko nu’ng May na! Si Ma’am Lise din ang tumulong sa akin makarating sa Cavite para makasama ko ang anak ko. Ang laki talaga nang natulong sa akin ng Ballet Manila.” (I only saw my son around May. It was also Ma’am Lise who made it possible for us to be reunited. I really owe a lot to Ballet Manila.)

It was also around that time when Jessa started participating in Ballet Manila’s online company classes, which to her was very challenging. “Madaling mabutas ang sapatos dahil semento lang ang sinasayawan ko,” she says. “Naalala ko rin ang mga times na sobrang iba-iba na kami ng timing dahil sa napuputol na Internet. May mga times din na nag-i-imbento na lang kami ng steps dahil hindi na namin nasusundan ang mga itinuturo.” (My ballet shoes would get worn out fast due to the cement floor… There were also times when we would just improvise steps and follow our own timing because the Internet connection was poor and we could no longer follow what was being taught.)

The most difficult thing for her, however, was being in a confined space, with no audience to share her gift of dance with. “Ang pagsayaw sa harap ng maraming tao ang talagang na-miss ko. Kapag nasa stage ako, ibang-iba ang pakiramdam ko. Parang magical na ang nangyayari. Hindi ako ang Jessa na nasa bahay lang. Kapag nasa stage ako, talagang napapakita kong iba ako.” (It’s dancing in front of a live audience that I really missed. Whenever I’m on stage with people watching, the feeling is really different. It’s as if something magical is happening. I’m no longer Jessa who’s just at home. When I’m performing on stage, I’m able to show that I’m different.)

“Kaya naman nang nakabalik kami sa Star City lumuwag talaga ang pakiramdam ko. Noong online shows kasi, parang may masikip sa puso ko pa rin.” (It was only when we resumed dancing in Star City that I felt fulfilled. Whenever we’d dance online, I always felt that there was still something missing.) Jessa here mentions that while online shows were essential in getting back into the momentum of ballet, she feelst that it’s really with a live audience wherein she can best shine.

In this interview, Jessa also notes that her most recent Star City show, where she performed Gerardo Francisco Jr.’s Munting Pangarap, was extra special for her. Aside from performing a choreography that was inspired by her life story, it was the first time that her son watched her live, and he was clapping and calling her name from the audience.

“Masayahing bata si Prince, at tuwang-tuwa iyan lagi kapag sumasayaw ako. Noong nag-o-online class nga ako, madalas siyang sumingit at natatakot si Ma’am Lise na baka matamaan ko siya.” (Prince has a bubbly personality, and he’s always very happy whenever I dance. Back when we were doing online classes, he’d always make an attempt to join me and Ma’am Lise would get scared that I might accidentally hit him.)

The 24-year-old ballerina underlines that it’s her son that brought her out of her darkest moments during the pandemic. “Dumating din ang mga beses na gusto kong tumigil na lang sa pagsayaw, at isipin kung paano ko mapapaikot ang perang naipon ko sa pagsayaw. Pero tuwing nakikita ko ang anak ko, ginaganahan ako na sumayaw.” (There came a time when I wanted to quit ballet and just focus on how I could maximize the money I’ve saved from dancing. But whenever I see my son, I’m inspired to keep working hard.)

Now at the ballet studio more often, Jessa points out that it’s a big deal to see her son smiling as she leaves in the morning and when she returns from work. “Siya talaga ang nagpapalakas sa akin na ipagpatuloy ang sinimulan ko!” (He’s really the one who gives me the strength to continue what I’ve started.)

Asked what role she dreams of performing, “Katulad pa rin ng dati. Black Swan ang pinaka-dream role ko!”  (My dream role is still the same as before. It’s the Black Swan!) She explains that Black Swan reflects the bravery and strength of her personal journey as a dancer. “Nakikita ko ang katapangan ko sa character, na kahit nahihirapan ay palaban pa rin ako.” (I see the grit in the character that I myself have, that even if I’m really having a difficult time, I still choose to keep on fighting.)

Regarding what it takes to have a successful comeback in ballet, this Ballet Manila company artist identifies self-discipline and belief in oneself as the main components. Jessa then says with conviction, “Kailangan mo rin mahalin ang ginagawa mo, at huwag kang matakot magsimula muli.”  (You also have to love what you do, and you shouldn’t be afraid to begin again.)