Determined dancer: Xiu Ling Tan gets up – again and again and again – to pursue her passion
In her first season with Ballet Manila in 2014, Xiu Ling Tan (rightmost) was in the cast of Swan Lake. Photo by Daniel Trinidad
By Giselle P. Kasilag
To describe the life and career of Ballet Manila company artist Xiu Ling Tan is to recite every single inspirational meme that social media has ever produced and made viral. To try until one succeeds, to focus on the goals rather than the obstacles, to push one’s self because no one else will, to dream bigger, and to wake up determined and go to bed satisfied – she has lived all these and more.
The Malaysian dancer has had to overcome doubts, disappointments, injuries, and surgeries in her relentless pursuit to become a professional ballerina – a dream that some believed was beyond her reach. Today, she has proven every single one of them wrong.
“Ballet is really hard. It’s like a fantasy. It’s not real. When people say ‘ballet,’ people think it’s like the music box with a ballerina dancing inside. It’s a dream. It’s even worse than becoming an actress, to be honest, because it is not that common. Even now, friends around me would still be really shocked. ‘Oh my god! You’re still doing ballet?’ I have friends who are already getting married, have their own business, have their family and things like that. They were really shocked but also very proud of me because I am the only one among my friends who is still pursuing my dream and following my passion,” shares the feisty young lady.
Ballet Manila company artist Xiu Ling Tan has overcome doubts, disappointments, injuries, and surgeries in her relentless pursuit to become a professional ballerina. Photo by Jimmy Villanueva
That passion began as a very young child with a grandmother insistent on raising a well-rounded and artistic grandchild. Brought to a studio that offered piano, drawing, and ballet lessons, the energetic toddler immediately declared that she wanted to learn everything. Pressed to choose only one, the pink tutu won and she eventually chose to concentrate on ballet.
Ballet became Ling’s outlet to expend much of her excess energy. It allowed her to run free and move around with her friends while expressing herself artistically – a polar opposite to her piano lessons (that she was eventually allowed to take) which was a one-on-one instruction with a teacher that insisted on concentration and quiet.
But in her household, ballet was meant to be a hobby. When Ling decided to pursue it as a serious career, it also marked the beginning of a lifelong battle to fight for the art form that she loves.
“In Malaysia during my time, and usually in Asian countries, parents would push for the academics,” she reveals. “You have to be a doctor. You have to be a lawyer, a professional. Definitely not arts! I loved both piano and ballet when I became more matured. But I loved academics as well. So when I told my parents and my teachers – even my piano teachers – okay, I want to do arts… because the academics can wait. You can still go back when you’re 40 or 50. But definitely, arts could not wait. The life span is shorter than other stuff. I told my mom and I insisted on doing that. And she freaked out! And then my teachers freaked out!”
Putting the determination she inherited from her grandmother to good use, Ling eventually won her parents over. At 18 years old, she started taking part-time jobs to earn money for her ballet training. She began auditioning at 19 and eventually moved to Australia with Violet Hong (former company artist of Ballet Manila and fellow Malaysian) where she began what she described as her serious full-time ballet training at 20. This, any dancer would agree, was a very late start.
She found herself training alongside 14-year-old girls who began taking ballet classes at the age of six. She also had to take extra classes together with 11- and 12-year-old kids. She had to work on her strengthening as well, as her late start made her more prone to injuries.
Ling goes contemporary in Martin Lawrance’s choreography, Misfit or Maveric, in 2014. Photo by Ocs Alvarez
“At some point, how I wish Malaysia would be more aware and more appreciative of arts and not just academics. But Malaysia is still young. And the reality is that you cannot change the time and the environment so I was already grateful that I realized that I love arts and ballet is my passion. I’m really grateful for my grandma who brought me to this.
“Everyone has their down time. But what else can you do? You are the only one who can help yourself. If you go like, ‘Oh, I can’t do this! They are so much younger,’ if you care about what they think about you then you cannot move on!”
And move on, Ling did! Despite the challenges, she forged ahead and completed her training. She toured Europe with her fellow dancers to apply at various ballet companies – having fun as she explored the world while simultaneously getting her heart broken as she exited one audition after another.
Upon returning to Australia, she assessed her situation and decided to stay for another year while searching for more companies to audition for. Her teacher, however, had a better idea. By then, Ling’s friend, Violet, was already in Ballet Manila so the teacher encouraged Ling to try out as well, thinking that she was a good fit for the company.
Ling sent an email to Ballet Manila artistic director Lisa Macuja-Elizalde who agreed to let her come to participate in the company class for an audition. She was offered a contract but was told to take the Summer Intensive to prepare her for the season.
It was a stressful time for Ling who ended up losing so much weight from the pressure. The fast pace of Ballet Manila’s daily schedule, along with the strict adherence to the traditional Vaganova style, is extremely challenging for any dancer. Ling was no exception.
In 2014, the company performed Swan Lake, Sleeping Beauty, and Misfit or Maverick – a new piece by British choreographer Martin Lawrance – and Ling was part of it all. She describes that time as a year of surprises as she reveled in finally being a part of a professional company.
Since Giselle is her favorite ballet, getting to perform in it last October was a dream come true for Ling (eighth from left) who was part of the corps. Photo by Erickson Dela Cruz
The stage was hers, until it wasn’t. Injury happened. A mishap during a performance left her with a broken bone in her heel, and a bone in the other foot was also cracked.
“Dancers hate injuries! We will just pretend that we didn’t have it. We ignore it. We sleep, we wake up, and we think it has recovered. So I still did class the next day but it was impossible. It was so painful,” remembers Ling.
She underwent surgery for both feet. One healed well but the other had problems. She found herself returning home to recover. More surgeries and therapy followed. The injury led to more injuries. She was in pain. She was afraid. She was unsure if she could still return to dancing.
“What kept me going was Ma’am Lise,” she shared. “I’m sure she has already forgotten what she said but it meant so much to me. It stayed in my heart in the last few years. It kept me going, and pushed myself through the hard times. Ma’am Lise had many surgeries before so it was really great to hear advice from her. She told me, ‘It’s okay. I’m sure after this operation you will be able to dance until you’re 35.’ That’s what kept me going.”
When her medical issues were sorted, she returned to training. Pilates, rehab, strengthening – she did them all to help her foot. In 2016, she returned to ballet after two years of absence. Time flew quickly and she realized that it was now or never.
“It was like an alarm! I had to hurry up and get a move on it otherwise I would have to stop and choose something else. I wasn’t ready to let go yet. I don’t feel I’ve ended that chapter in my life. I really needed to try then,” she says.
She sent an email to Lisa again but it was quite late. The slots were filled and the only availability was with the second company. It was not financially viable for her so she decided to wait and save up again.
Another email early this year and she was late again. There were no slots at all but she was invited to join the Summer Intensive. Even then, it was clear that there would be no room for her.
“I dance for myself. It’s okay if I don’t get it but at least I don’t have regrets. I tried. I did my best. I did all I can do so I’m not regretting the future. Even if it’s a failure, it’s okay. And it’s not my first time to have a no. Of course it’s sad. I cannot not admit that.”
Ling is so happy to be dancing ballet professionally that she admits she is not yet ready to let it go. Photo by Jimmy Villanueva
But as the saying goes, it’s not over until it’s over. And it wasn’t over for Ling. On the last day of the Summer Intensive, she was awarded a contract with BM2.
But in a year of surprises, there was another one that truly left her speechless. Ballet Manila had a Malaysia tour in September that allowed Ling to perform in her country for the first time as a professional dancer. And as the final show ended, in front of her family and friends, Lisa announced Ling’s promotion to the first company.
“How amazing is that? I get to show everyone that I am back, and ballet is something we should know – not just (becoming a) lawyer and doctor! My high school friends came out and really bought the tickets to support me! That’s why this is so meaningful because some of my friends around me don’t understand why I do this. ‘Why are you still dancing? Ling, you need to move on already!’ And I was like, ‘I’m not ready to move on!’ So this is like my ‘all in’ this year! This was really a big thing for me.”
Clearly, it is not yet the time for Ling to move on. Holding on to her dream despite the many challenges has made her a stronger dancer and a better person. Beyond just a meme, her real-life resolve to overcome her struggles is an inspiring story that anyone experiencing difficulties can learn from.
