Nicole Barroso: Out of the shadows and into the light
Performing the Peasant Pas De Deux in the full-length Giselle last October was memorable for Nicole, partnered by Joshua Enciso, as it was one of the entries they danced at the USA International Ballet Competition in 2018
By Susan A. De Guzman
Nicole Barroso is a newly minted 18-year-old.
But Ballet Manila’s youngest soloist didn’t need to reach this age to feel like an adult. For many years, because of personal circumstance, she’s had to act like one. She considers herself independent and has long displayed a maturity beyond her years. She is streetsmart, attuned to the ways of the world.
And yet, there are moments when the child that she still is in many ways surfaces – the one who is vulnerable, needing protection from the hurts that are hurled her way.
After an injury that left her physically, mentally and emotionally overwhelmed, Ballet Manila soloist Nicole Barroso is getting back on track. Photo by Jimmy Villanueva
In the past year, those aches manifested not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. An injury sidelined her from ballet for several months – a first in a career that was continuing to blossom. It hit Nicole particularly hard since it came after the high of 2018 when she received a Jury Encouragement Award at the USA International Ballet Competition and was subsequently named a soloist of Ballet Manila – both amazing feats achieved at the tender age of 16. At the competition in Jackson, Mississippi, she had riveted attention with her classical and contemporary performances that two American dance companies wanted to sign her up.
Life was good. And then it was not.
“Sobrang grabe itong year na ‘to. Pinaiyak ako. Pakiramdam ko, tumanda ako ng ilang years – from 16, 17… parang naging 25 ako! (This year has been extremely difficult. It made me cry. I feel as if I’ve aged several years – from 16, 17… it’s like I’ve turned 25),” describes Nicole, still disbelieving of how things unraveled so fast.
In 2018, Nicole was Gulnara to Elpidio Magat’s Lankadem in the full-length Le Corsaire. Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
It all started when she felt a pain in her right knee after company class in January. Two weeks before, she had been feeling a tightness in the same spot. But she had dismissed it as part of the physical discomforts any dancer expects and lives with, even after hearing a pop right after executing a jump in class.
The day after, she knew something was terribly wrong. “Paggising ko, hindi ko na magalaw. Nakahiga lang ako, hindi na ko maka-turn sa kabila (When I woke up, I couldn’t move it. I was just lying down and I couldn’t turn to the other side),” Nicole recalls. But she stubbornly thought that a day’s rest would give her enough time to recover before the next class. It wasn’t meant to be.
A check-up with Dr. Antonio Rivera – the orthopedic surgeon who has nursed many an injured Ballet Manila dancer back to health, including artistic director Lisa Macuja-Elizalde – revealed the unthinkable. A torn meniscus in Nicole’s right knee that would have to be operated on, and a recovery period of three to six months.
There was no choice but to undergo surgery and physical therapy. For someone so used to the routine of a dancer’s life of daily classes and a calendar of performances, it was a trying time for Nicole. Her post-op rehabilitation meant a month of thrice-a-week, one-and-a-half-hour sessions of simple exercises that gradually increased in difficulty.
Paloma Muerta, a choreography by Marcelino Libao, allowed Nicole to express her true feelings on stage. It is a piece that, she says, summarizes what she has been going through. Photo by Erica Jacinto
“I learned patience. Na hindi talaga puwede na ‘yun na agad (That it really can’t happen that you’re done just like that). But I also liked the feeling of working it out,” she says.
It was coping mentally and emotionally that proved more challenging for the ballerina, as bouts of negativity pulled her through a tailspin. “Mahirap po siya. Iba pag na-down ka talaga, ‘yung wala ka talagang magawa (It’s difficult. It’s different when you’re really down, when you really can’t do anything).”
Pangs of disappointment and frustration would grip her – over missed opportunities, over days she could have spent dancing had she been okay. One of her regrets was not being able to perform with Japanese dancer Hyuma Kiyosawa, who was taking class at Ballet Manila and with whom she had been paired with for the Don Quixote Pas de Deux. Hyuma was her batchmate at the USA IBC and she had admired him since then. The bigger irony was that they had already been marking their dance when her injury happened.
There were moments of despair when Nicole questioned if she still wanted to dance at all. “Dumadating po pala talaga ‘yun, ‘yung parang nawawala na ‘yung passion mo sa gusto mong gawin (It really happens, after all, that you lose your passion for something you’ve always wanted to do),” she says. This is a revelation, coming from someone who fell in love with ballet at age five when she started taking lessons with Ballet Manila and never let go – till she was winning awards, getting plum assignments and dreaming of all the roles that was surely ahead of her, in due time.
Admittedly, Nicole went into a dark place that she has struggled so much to crawl out of. “Mahirap kung sarili mo ‘yung kalaban mo. Kasi paggising mo, ikaw agad ‘yung kasama mo. Kung kalaban mo sarili mo, hindi mo na masu-survive ‘yung day (It’s hard when your enemy is your own self. Because when you wake up, you’re the one you’re immediately with. If you’re in conflict with yourself, you won’t be able to survive the day).”
Nicole shows a photo she keeps in her wallet – of herself backstage when she danced again after months of being sidelined by an injury. Photo by Jimmy Villanueva
Encouragement in various forms came from individual family members. Her dad, a basketball coach, was the rah-rah guy who would alternately advise her to push herself and pace herself. She would also have talks with her older sister and brother.
“Pero pag gusto ko lang umiyak, ayun, kay Mama (But If I just wanted to cry, it’s with Mama),” she shares.
Nicole also found support from her ballet friends. ”I was able to open up to them because they’re the ones I’m with in the studio. Mas naiintindihan nila ako, mas gets nila ‘yung nararamdaman ko. (They understand me better, they know what I’m feeling). They comforted me and I appreciated that.
In August this year, Nicole (fourth from left) was in the cast of Gerardo Francisco’s Ibong Adarna, for a series of school shows. Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
“Mahirap na mag-isa ka sa ganitong mahirap na pinagdaraaanan. Sobrang laking bagay na may katabi ka, na may kasama ka (It’s hard to be alone in this difficult journey. It was such a big thing that there was someone beside me, that someone was there for me).”
But what’s been getting her through most of all, Nicole points out, is her faith. Prayers for her have been a meditation that helps quiet her unease, calm her when things start to overwhelm and give her solace even in the face of uncertainty.
“Kasi andu’n na po ako sa edge eh. Ang galing pa rin ni Lord; hinila-hila Niya akong pabalik. May mga times na feel mong sumuko na, pero hindi permanent ‘yung feeling eh. Palagpasin mo lang ‘yung bad day na ‘yon. ‘Yung mga magiging decision mo in life, hindi mo mabe-base on one bad day or sa ilang good days (Because I was already on the edge. But the Lord is great, He was the one who pulled me back up. There are times when you feel like giving up, but the feeling isn’t permanent. You just let the bad day pass. You can’t base your decisions in life on just one bad day or a few good days),” intones Nicole.
For a recent Christmas show at S Maison, Nicole (center) was one of the fairies along with Nanami Hasegawa (left) and Jessa Balote in an excerpt of Lisa Macuja-Elizalde’s Sleeping Beauty. Photo from Nicole Barroso’s Facebook page
Slowly but surely, the ballerina began to work her way back to dancing. In May, she started taking company class twice to thrice a week. By June, she was doing it every day as the season was about to start. Around that time, she was cast in an installment of Ballet & Ballads, Ballet Manila’s popular roadshow series.
It was a huge deal for her to be able to perform Dalagang Pilipina and other OPM-themed dances, even if it was just in a school court. So much so that she had her picture taken backstage. That photo she now carries in her wallet as a reminder of what she had missed. “Sobrang saya ko po niyan, feeling ko nyan, parang full length ang sasayawin (I was so overjoyed there. I felt like I was dancing in a full-length ballet),” she impishly laughs.
The next milestone came in July when she was tapped to be part of the ballet fundraiser
Tuloy ang Sayaw-an at Star Theater. Filipino guest choreographer Marcelino Libao of Hamburg Ballet cast her in the first local restaging of Paloma Muerta, his abstract piece that highlighted emotions through movements.
What was inspiring for Nicole was seeing how Marcelino put his heart into the piece. He explained to the dancers – who included Joan Emery Sia, Mark Sumaylo, Brian Sevilla and Rafael Perez – that they just needed to internalize the feelings and make the audience relate to those same emotions when they’re performing.
“Rare ‘yun. In classical ballet, you have to be in character. Pero ito, mas nakakadala, mas nakaka-touch, kasi may chance ka na iparamdam sa tao ‘yung totoo mong nararamdaman. Grabe ‘yung opportunity na binigay sa akin para maging ako lang sa stage (Here, it’s more moving, it’s more touching, because you have a chance to let the people feel what your real emotions are. It was wonderful to be given the change to just be me on stage),” Nicole explains.
One thought crossed her mind as she danced in Paloma Muerta: “I’m home. Na ito ‘yung ginagawa ko, ito ‘yung gusto ko. Sobrang ako po talaga ‘yung sayaw. ‘Yung pinagdadaanan ko, ‘yun ang summary (That this is what I do, that this is what I want to do. I was really that dance. Whatever I was going through, that dance was the summary).
Dancing in the full-length Snow White last September, with friends and in a familiar place, was “pure joy” for Nicole (second from left). Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
The performance meant so much to Nicole that later that night, she posted a photo of hers from that performance, leaping in abandon, on her Facebook page. She also shared a poem called Free Bird that captured the thoughts she wanted to say.
By the time the season opened in September at Aliw Theater with Snow White, Nicole was beginning to feel somewhat like her old self again – dancing a full-length in the company of friends, particularly with what she calls her small support group, and in a familiar place.
Then the Star City complex fire of October 2 happened, a devastating moment for Ballet Manila since they were in the thick of rehearsals for the next season offering, Giselle. With Aliw Theater not viable to use, a surprise opportunity came to perform at the Cultural Center of the Philippines Main Theater instead for one night.
For Nicole, even though it came on the heels of tragedy, the CCP show was memorable. For one, she would be dancing the Peasant Pas de Deux, the same classical piece that she and soloist Joshua Enciso had danced in Jackson – but this time, as part of a full-length performance. That she felt ready enough to do such a physically demanding piece was also an achievement. But more than that, the significance of the show was not lost on her – or any of her colleagues in Ballet Manila.
“Iba ‘yung drive naming lahat. Sayaw lang talaga – eto kami, eto ‘yung BM. Iba ‘yung chemistry namin. Iba ‘yung feeling when you dance with a purpose. Grabe ‘yung saya ko noon. I was in the moment, ‘yun ‘yung pinaka hindi ako pressured, plus with the orchestra, ‘yung combination nu’ng lahat. Perfect ‘yung night na ‘yun for me (Everyone’s drive was at a different level. We just wanted to dance – to show this is us, this is BM. We had a different chemistry. It’s a different feeling when you dance with a purpose. I was ecstatic. I was in the moment. That was when I felt the least pressure, plus with the orchestra and the combination of everything. That night was just perfect for me),” Nicole enthuses.
Fierce and fearless are two traits that define Nicole, as embodied in this photograph. Photo by MarBi Photography
Though she is on the mend, Nicole knows she has to give herself more time to fully heal in all aspects. Physically, she is still recovering. She works smarter now and is into sports science so she can familiarize herself more with her body and what it can take, for her own well-being.
Mentally and emotionally, she feels stronger. It’s important to work on the inside, she asserts, because it enhances what you do on the outside. Nicole is thankful that the inner warrior in her is winning out. This for her has been a year of growing and learning. The ballerina likens it to being replanted in the ground, with a firmer foundation, so that she can thrive once again. In the year ahead, she promises to practice more self-care, so that she can continue to nurture and enrich her soul.
“I still have those days na gusto ko lang umuwi. Pinapayagan ko ‘yung sarili ko. Instead of doing extra work, kasi dati po ayokong magpahinga – ang tawag po doon ‘pa-hero’ – ngayon, kalma lang. Natutunan ko rin sa injury na ‘to kung pa’no to love yourself, be nice to yourself. Siguro humaba ‘yung pasensiya ko lalo na sa sarili ko (I still have those days that I just want to go home (after class). I allow myself that. Instead of doing extra work, because before I didn’t want to rest – that’s what we jokingly call ‘pa-hero’ – today, I’m more relaxed. I learned through this injury how to love yourself, be nice to yourself. Maybe my patience has grown moreso with myself even more).”
Nicole writes down the lessons she has learned along the way in a notebook as constant reminders she can read through and go back to. “Para hindi ko po malimutan (So that I won’t forget),” she reasons.
Turning 18 for her is a signal to be more responsible and be more mindful of how she looks at and affects other people. It is a good time as any for a full reboot, to get back on track and begin anew towards fulfilling the dreams that she has had for herself and for her family, but ever mindful that there’s no need to rush.
“Malakas naman po ang loob ko eh, kahit nu’ng bata pa ako; go lang. Sa ngayon po, ine-enjoy ko lang talaga ‘yung process (I’m strong by nature, even when I was just a kid; I just keep going,” Nicole states. Even when facing the most adverse situation these days, she tries to be grateful for everything that she has. “I’m trying to appreciate even the smallest moments that I’m being helped to get better.”
This young lady’s mantra calls for a tricky balance between being more relaxed and being focused. As she sums it up: “Go with the flow – but with a good perspective, with a goal.”
Nicole Barroso says she is not on full reboot yet, but she is slowly and surely getting there. Photo by Jimmy Villanueva
