After not dancing for years, Rafael Perez follows his heart and returns to ballet
Rafael Perez (second row from left) performs as one of the townspeople caught in the fight between good and evil in Rudy De Dios’ Carmina Burana (2020). Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
By Jv Ramos
After being cast as a palace guard in last February’s Le Corsaire, Rafael Perez has joined his Ballet Manila colleagues rehearsing the neoclassical piece Dancing to Verdi for an International Dance Day performance in April, the epic Ibong Adarna which will be restaged in the same month, and the literary classic Tatlong Kuwento ni Lola Basyang which will return in May. Company classes, rehearsals and performances have made up his recent daily life that it’s quite hard to believe that this dancer has actually been away from the studio and the stage for more than three years.
In the three years he was away from dancing, Ballet Manila company member Rafael “Paeng” Perez admits he kept dreaming about ballet and is happy to be able to return to it at last. Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
When the pandemic happened, Paeng – as this young danseur is known to friends – decided to focus on his studies, finishing high school first and then moving on to university. Since ballet classes were only being done online because of the lockdowns, he and his family thought it would be the best time for him to finish his academics. "Pero kahit babad ako sa pag-aaral ng ilang taon, lagi ko talaga napapaginipan ang ballet. Pakiramdam ko kasi, hindi pa ako tapos, natigil lang ng pandemic. Hindi pa ako kontento sa mga nagawa at nasayaw ko dati." (But even if I was immersed in school for years, I always dreamt of ballet. I felt that I wasn’t done with it yet, that it was just abruptly ended by the pandemic. I wasn’t content with what I had achieved and what I had danced before.)
An Asian Grand Prix silver medalist in 2018, Paeng expresses that it was his girlfriend, former Ballet Manila dancer Fiona Delos Santos, who would often hear about his sentiment to return to ballet. In all those conversations they had, says Paeng, she was nothing but encouraging. "Lagi siyang nag-ko-comment na kaya ko pang sumayaw, so kaya kong bumalik!" (She would always comment that because I could still dance, I could return to ballet.)
Knowing he realistically had a shot to do a comeback, this danseur decided that he wouldn't let another year pass without doing anything. "Naisip ko rin kasi na hindi forever magiging malakas ang katawan ko. Napakaikli lang ang career ng isang danseur, at nakasalalay din 'yan sa fire sa puso. Corny pakinggan, pero naisip ko na bumalik sa ballet habang may fire pa akong natitira sa ballet." (I also realized that my body won’t be strong forever. We all know that a danseur’s career is so short and is dependent on one’s passion for dance. This may be corny to hear but I thought of going back while I still have a passion for ballet.)
Stamina was one of the things he had to work on when he returned to daily company classes, says Paeng who effortlessly makes a leap in this scene from Lisa Macuja Elizalde’s Sleeping Beauty (2020). Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
To make his return possible, Paeng addressed the things that were holding him back. First, he needed to do something about school. Currently enrolled at the University of the Philippines’ Open University in Los Baños, Paeng decided to shift to a modular course which did not require him to physically be at the campus all the time.
"Ito ang course ng mga taong gustong maging working student," he explains. "Siguro, isa na rin sa nagtulak sa akin na bumalik ng ballet ang pagpasok ko sa Los Baños. Nakita ko ang difference ng pagiging pagod sa biyahe, klase at sa dorm kaysa sa pagod ko dati nu’ng sumasayaw ako. Nu’ng nag-ba-ballet ako dati, kahit pagod ako, masaya ako at nararamdaman ko na worth it ang pagod ko." (This is the kind of course working students take… One of the things that also pushed me to return to ballet was entering Los Baños. It was there when I felt the difference between being exhausted over commuting, taking classes and staying in the dorm versus being exhausted as a danseur. Back when I’d train for ballet, even if I was so tired, I was happy and I found all my hard work worth it.)
Having weighed both life paths, Paeng presented this to his parents and they were supportive of his decision. "Masaya sila na nandito ako sa ballet ngayon. Ang condition lang nila ay tapusin ko ang pag-aaral ko, at okay ako doon; wala naman akong intention na iwanan ito." (My parents are happy about my return to ballet. Their only condition is that I finish school and I’m okay with that; I don’t have any intention to quit school.)
Second, Paeng needed to get back in shape. Though he has always been lean in physique, he admits that his face and stomach became fuller during his non-dancing years. "Nakaupo lang kasi lagi at hindi masyadong gumagalaw noong pandemic," he chuckles. "Kahit hindi naman sobra ang paglaki ko, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kailangan ko i-address ang katawan ko kung babalik ako ng ballet. Ayoko kasi na ito ang maging dahilan ng hindi ko paggawa ng isang bagay. At bilang danseur, alam ko ang feeling kung in shape ako o hindi at noong time na ’yon, hindi." (I was just sitting around a lot and didn’t move much during the pandemic. Even if I didn’t put on that much weight, I told myself that I had to make changes if I were to return to ballet. I didn’t want my weight to be the cause of not being able to do a hard step. As a danseur, I knew what being in shape feels, and at that time, I really was not.)
Paeng (right) landed a silver medal while Ballet Manila colleague Brian Sevilla won gold in their respective categories at the Asian Grand Prix in 2018. Ballet Manila artistic director Lisa Macuja Elizalde celebrated with them after the awarding ceremonies in Hong Kong.
To address his physical appearance, Paeng fixed his eating habits and decided to do ballet classes at home to help tone his body and mind. "Noong nag-decide kasi ako na bumalik, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na gusto ko, ready talaga ako. Kaya naman bago pa ako tumapak sa studio, pumipitik na ako ng klase sa bahay. May barre at mat naman! Noong time na ’yon, sa stretching ako nahirapan. Ang hirap ibalik ang flexibility!" (When I decided to come back, I told myself that I should be ready for it. So even before I stepped in the studio, I’d do some classes at home. I had a barre and mat anyway! Back then, it was the stretching that was the most difficult. It’s so hard to regain flexibility!)
How he made it back to Ballet Manila had to do with a simple DM (direct message) to artistic director Lisa Macuja Elizalde and co-artistic associate Gerardo Francisco Jr. in December. Paeng told them that he wanted to return to ballet, and asked if he could attend company classes to which they agreed. He started with classes last January 9. “Naalala ko nga ’yung unang company class ko, nahirapan ako sa pag-adjust sa stamina. Hindi ko natapos ang klase. Sinabi ko nga kay JC (Concepcion) na nagdidilim na ang paningin ko." (I remember having a difficult time re-adjusting my stamina during the first class. I actually didn’t finish the class. I remember telling JC Concepcion that I was almost blacking out.)
Paeng is grateful to his artistic director that he was still signed up as a company member starting March even if Ballet Manila’s contracts usually begin in January. He vows that the trust won’t be misplaced as he is committed to making the most of this new beginning in ballet.
In Lisa Macuja Elizalde’s Le Corsaire last February, Paeng (left) is unexpectedly cast as a palace guard to the Pasha (Gerardo Francisco Jr.), taking the place of an injured dancer. Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
Remaining in touch with his ballet friends even when he wasn't dancing, Paeng points out that they were also a big factor in his comeback. “Pag lumalabas kami, sinasabi nila sa akin na kayang-kaya ko pang bumalik. Pero hindi lang sila ang dahilan kung bakit ako bumalik. Gusto ko talaga mag-ballet para sa sarili ko." (Whenever we’d go out, they’d tell me that I could still come back and dance. But they’re not the sole reason for my return. I also wanted to do ballet again for myself.)
He points out that other than performing, what he missed about ballet was being able to release all his emotions through it. "Noong hindi ako sumasayaw, parang wala akong outlet sa galit, sa stress. Sa ballet ko rin na-e-express ang sarili ko." (When I didn’t have dance in my life, I didn’t have an outlet for my anger, my stress. Ballet is the best way I’m able to express myself.)Asked if he experienced any pressure being among peers who never stopped their training or returned to ballet earlier, a more mature Paeng goes, "Hindi ko pinapansin ang ginagawa ng iba kapag nag-ka-klase. Ang focus ko ay ang sarili ko. Kinakalaban ko ang sarili ko na maging mas magaling sa susunod na araw." (I don’t pay attention to what other dancers are doing in class. I focus on myself. I challenge myself to always become a better dancer the next day.) Paeng admits though that he felt jealous when he'd see other dancers post about their performances while he was studying full-time. "Nag-delete ako ng Instagram noon kasi masakit makita ang iba na sumasayaw." (I deleted my Instagram back then because it really hurt to see others dance.)
In ballet, as Paeng learned through the years, one would have to know when it's time to have a good time with the rest of his danseur-friends or when it's time to go through things alone. "Kapag nasa studio, dapat ang focus mo ay ang sarili mo'ng progress. Naaalala ko pa dati na lagi kami ni JC na napapagalitan. Makulit kasi kami kapag nagsama at puro tawa kami sa klase. Ngayon, wala na talaga ‘yan!" (When you’re in the studio, your focus should be on your own progress. I remember the old days, JC and I would always get scolded. We were rowdy together and would keep laughing in class. Now, we’ve changed!) Both boys continue to impose an "LQ period" or a time when they don't interact, so they can get the most out of their training.
"Siyempre ang pagiging danseur ay hindi pang-isahan lang. Kahit ang focus mo ay sarili mo, kailangan mo rin ng payo o tulong at kumuha ng inspiration sa iba." (Of course, the life of a danseur isn’t a solo thing. Even if you’re focusing on your own progress, you need to look at others for advice, help and even for inspiration.) Paeng says that the bond he has with Four of Hearts, a band composed of Ballet Manila danseurs who also dabble in music that includes, helps get him through tough times in and out of ballet.
Ballet Manila swept the junior prizes at the CCP Ballet Competition in 2018, with Paeng (right) winning second, and Alvin Dictado and Brian Sevilla (left and second from left) the third and the first, respectively. With them was their mentor, Ballet Manila co-artistic director Osias Barroso Jr. Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
He also adds that Ballet Sport Science headed by Coach Robert Osorio is also helping his body catch up with the daily grind of professional dancers and to prevent injuries. "Tinutulungan din ako ng BSS na magpalaki ng katawan. Nag-iba na rin kasi ang aesthetics ng ballet. Hindi puwedeng payat ka lang!" (BSS is also helping me gain mass. The aesthetics of ballet has changed. It’s not just about being thin!)
Finally, this danseur shares that he gets inspired by his colleagues. "Right now, idol ko talaga si Joshua (Enciso). Bukod sa malinis siya mag-execute ng steps, iba ang disiplina niya sa kanyang sarili at magaling magplano. Iyan ang magagandang habit na dapat magkaroon ang isang dancer." (Right now, my idol here is Joshua Enciso. Other than being able to cleanly execute steps, his self-discipline is exceptional and he’s so good with goal-setting. His habits are clearly what every dancer should have.)
Paeng notes that he's paid more attention to the concept of habit when he was out of ballet. "May isang taon na kalat-kalat talaga ako. Puyat ako lagi at wala sa oras ang pagkain at na-feel ko talaga na tumatanda na ako." (There was one year when my life was so scattered. I’d sleep late and my meal times weren’t consistent and I really felt that I aged fast during that time.) Realizing that this kind of lifestyle won't work for someone who wants to resume a danseur's life, he began to sleep early and have his meals on time. "Tina-time ko rin ang sarili ko sa social media kasi ayokong mababad, at ginagawa ko lagi ang lahat ng kaya kong gawin sa bawat araw. Ang mga habit na ito ay nadala ko ngayon sa ballet. Naging handa ako physically at mentally dahil sa mga habits na sinimulan ko pa dati." (I also put a time limit to my social media use because I don't want to be hooked on it, and I do whatever task I can do each day. These are the new habits that I brought with me to ballet. These habits are the reason I was able to make it here physically and mentally ready.)
Hanging out at the Ballet Manila Archives, Paeng shares that his goal now is to dance all the roles he wants before he turns 30. Photo by Giselle P. Kasilag
He adds that setting strict deadlines for himself is one of his personal habits now. "Goal ko ngayon na masayaw ang lahat ng roles na gusto ko bago ako mag-30!" (It’s my goal to dance all the roles I want before turning 30!) Here, Paeng clarifies that he doesn't see himself quitting ballet by 30, but rather, that he simply just doesn't want to waste any more time away from ballet. He wants every minute in his twenties to lead to dancing classical roles like Ali, Prince Desiré and Basilio and iconic contemporary pieces in Ballet Manila’s repertoire.
The Ballet Manila artist concludes, "Mas ginaganahan kasi ako kapag may time limit at mas nadidisiplina ko ang sarili ko. Alam ko na maraming pagsubok sa ballet pero mas nangingibabaw pa rin ang kagustuhan kong mag-perform!" (I become more motivated when there’s a time limit and I’m able to discipline myself more. I know that ballet comes with many obstacles but my passion to perform really outweighs everything.)
